Welcome to Motherhood

It's been a while since I have posted, but a friend encouraged me with the reminder to write. To write in the moment as I am experiencing the feelings and emotions because there is no greater time to document, to encourage, to remember, and to feel every part of the beginning of motherhood than right now as I dwell in every moment of it.

This post is honest, vulnerable, and full of unmeasured grace.

The beginning of motherhood has been hard. Not that I thought it would be easy in any way. I'm honestly not even sure I had huge dreams of what it would be like. I just knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to grow our family. So here I am. Just a few days shy of two months of being a mom to a tiny human outside of my body. Oh my amazing body. Oh to have grace for my body and all that it has and continues to endure. I thought it was really great to not have a period for 9 months, but really during that time I totally believe Auntie Flow is truly plotting her vicious comeback, and when she makes her appearance she brings ten+ cousins with her and definitely over stays her welcome if you know what I mean, Hah!

The first few weeks are vivid and blurry all the same. It was an emotional high of all sorts. Very few people tell you about how hard it is in the beginning. An abundance of thanks to my raw and real people out there that are truth givers and aren't afraid to be vulnerable.  And for those who have so much grace and nonjudgmental love for me. You each know who you are.

I had a really hard time articulating my feelings and emotions the first few weeks. If you were with me or saw me and had no idea of this, well it is because I didn't know how to just say it. I didn't know how to fully express I am having a hard time emotionally. It was like part of me wanted to scream and cry the words out, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I absolutely loved having my baby outside of my body, but for the first two weeks I mourned and missed having him inside of me. Having someone with me every where I went and every breath I took. My body felt weird and distant. It felt like it wasn't even my body anymore. As the weeks passed those emotions have since subsided and I am able to talk about my emotions now in a more freeing way.

With that being said I can easily say that I don't always know what Zaiden wants. I don't even know how to always comfort him. Yes, I have found ways that help, but in the beginning there were so many moments that it felt like nothing would ever help. The raw moments of despair and desperation of the rocking, the singing, the driving, the warm baths, the fill in the blank of anything that you can think of to help soothe your sweet little baby. What a vicious cycle it can be. My patience and grace has been stretched to great lengths. My insides ache from the overwhelming responsibility and deep desire to care and protect him in the best ways possible. I am learning to love in a whole new way. I thought I learned a lot about being selfless when I got married, and now I am learning to give myself over and over in new ways. I know that every ache, every tear, every sleepless hour, every challenge is for the better. But right now I can be vulnerable. I can be honest. I can sit in the reality of it being hard. I can share that with you. I can have an abundance of grace for myself. And I can still be an amazing mom through it all.